The Thirty-One Flavors Theory of Relating

B"H

We "modern" women are emasculating our men with all of our complexity and liberatedness... and we're ruining ourselves in the process. I like to call it my Thirty-One Flavors theory of relating, and it goes both ways, by the way. I can only tell like it is from a woman's perspective.

Without Torah, we look to society around us to tell us what is desirable. It's good to be self-sufficient, independent, educated, professional and beautiful. Hey, after all, we're living in modern times. Operating on this logic, we become worldly and fascinating creatures to behold. Life is one huge playground.

These are all surely Good Things to cultivate. The problem comes when we become overly-complex and demanding. It gets difficult to find someone smart enough and strong enough and fill-in-the-blank enough because the bottom line is that we don't need any of it for survival. We grow up and get past the age where we actually have to be taken care of by anybody. We make our own money, travel by ourselves, meet our own friends and manage our own time.

It's good to have a man around for moving furniture or for having the kind of fun that our girl friends can't quite compete with. Sure, it can get lonely without men, but not so lonely that we have to put up with their negative aspects. After all, we're women. We have ourselves, what do we need them for? It becomes all about finding that next deep yet non-committal romance.

There is something very bad about knowing too much.

It's like walking into a Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors ice cream store and getting your hands on 31 (disposable) pink little plastic spoons. Each flavor is it's own experience. After that, how could you possibly know ice cream without having tasted french vanilla, rocky road, pistachio and cherries jubilee? Each one is so good, each in its own special and unique way. That's the beauty of it. The bad thing about it is that we can become impossible to satisfy. Face it, even world-class pistachio ice cream isn't worth trading in all the other 30 flavors.

How do you think it makes a guy feel to know that he's just one of many possible flavors? Instead of helping to build one man, today's urban, modern woman with her "Sex and the City" mentality is contributing to the presence of guys who are satisfied with very little. They have to settle for being just another flavor. Ew! (Where is their dignity? Where are the men?)

All I can say is that any guy who sees past all the crap (and stays out of the ice cream shop, himself) and who is bitul to Torah deserves to find himself a very bitul woman!

It's All-or-Nothing

B"H

Now that I've introduced the idea of the BT-caricature, I'll go into the "all-or-nothing" mentality that FFB's are often raised with.

It's really weird. If you listen to a "generic", former-secular BT perspective on Yiddishkeit (okay, so there's no such thing, but humor me) and a "generic" FFB perspective on Yiddishkeit, they sound like they're talking about two different religions.

Apparently, it seems that the rabbis who are advising the secular-raised BT's that Judaism isn't "all-or-nothing" are the same people telling the frumies that there is no "middle ground" and that you "can't pick and choose."

Hmmm...

What happens is that frumies sometimes wind up, chas v'shalom, totally off-the-derech, instead of exploring a different hashkafah or seeking out a like-minded rav from a different community than the one they were born into. By the same token, stereotype BTs can wind up having kids that don't "get" why being shomeir mitzvot is so important.

Gosh, that's really sad.

Balance, people. Together, we'll find the balance between extremes and make it all ONE.

The truth is in there, somewhere.

BT... What is It?

B"H

Bi-sexual Transgender?

Uh... Wrong blog, people!

BT would be modern orthodox Jewish for "Baalat Teshuvah" or "Baal Teshuvah" for the guys, literally, "master of return." I once heard a pretty cool insight about the "Hay" corresponding to the last "Hay" in shem HaShem and how it falls from grace when we mess up and that the act of teshuvah "returns" it (in other words, elevating fallen sparks).

I'm sure there's a lot more to that.

Anyway, the whole BT concept or movement tends to refer to those of us whose parents or grandparents (and even further back, still) went secular on us and then all of a sudden, spoiled brats that we were, we said "this sucks!" and ran off to those seminaries and yeshivahs with the specially formulated curricula that helped us make our way back to Torah observance...

...and then we all lived happily ever after.

Well, not exactly. It's really just the beginning, because there's a plethora of issues to cope with, such as going "home" to our parents which may involve all kinds of kashrut and Shabbat observance problems. And what about dealing with all of our old friends, who now seem to think that we have developed an array of bizarre obsessive-compulsive disorders (and that's putting it nicely).

Then there's the whole dating issue, which becomes less about dating and more about tachlis: you can't go secular because it just wouldn't work, and FFB's (those who are Frum From Birth) just aren't "cool" enough because they can't relate to any pop culture references--well in some cases they do, and in others they don't. What about frumy's family? They don't always approve, you know... So that leaves us with other BT's--great... a PAIR of broken people, as if ONE wasn't bad enough!

Which brings me to another major aspect of being BT, especially for those who "saw the light" a bit "late" in life. As much as one may wish to "start all over again," you just can't. Well, in many ways, yes, you absolutely can. But let's not lie to ourselves about the nature of Reality.

So, you daven to HaShem about the pathetic state of affairs and beg for mercy. You get up, brush yourself off and resolve to make the best of it... and that goes for all of us, because we all mess up big sometimes. It can be tough to cope with , but I can accept how the system works. Fine.

What I take issue with is this sort of BT box/label that has been created. It gives this mistaken impression that the only ones who have mastered the art of returning to HaShem (like we're really the leading experts on the topic) are those of us whose souls were priveleged enough to have to scratch and claw their way out of secular society.

What about everyone else? Do you mean to tell me those people in the wigs and black costumes are "there" already? That those Jewish folks driving their cars to the park on Saturdays are the most misguided people on the planet? Am I worth less because I never had the zchut of receiving a Beis Yaakov education?

Not necessarily so.

As we grow in Yiddishkeit, we learn the fundamental idea that we serve G-d in a sort of two-fold way: on Shabbat, we honor and we keep; when we daven, we say the words and we meditate with cavanah; we keep mitzvot d'oraita and d'rabbanan; there is the "what" and then there is the "how." It seems that all we do involves an interplay between the external and the internal. If not, then the word out on the street is that you're doing it wrong.

Furthermore, to roughly quote Rabbi Noah Weinberg from AishHaTorah, "It's not about where you are on the ladder of life; what's important is how many rungs you climbed." Therefore, those who were born into an environment that provided the structure for kedushah have a different, intangible sort of "ladder" to climb. Their soul's job is to find that personal, profound inner meaning and appreciation for all of it--without ever having lost it. Now that's really tough to do.

I challenge the fabricated "BT box" because the truth is that one way or another, we all have tshuvah to do and we can all become Baalei Teshuvah, each in our own way. So let's stop putting so much weight on religious appearances and other such quantifyable metrics of spirituality.

Shall we?

Readers, Reveal Thyselves!

This is a relatively new blog and ever since I got that nifty little counter below, I've had a total of twelve viewers. However, a click here-and-there does not a loyal readership of royal leadership make.

Therefore, if I have an RSS subscriber out there I will ask that you drop a comment. You can be an anon if you would prefer it; thinking that I know "who you are" is not important to me. I'd just like to know what attracted you to my blog and what you resonate with, specifically. If you care to share more, then great! If not, that's fine too.

I have more than thirty topics to blog about in the future, so rest assured, it's gonna be a live one for awhile!

Trying to Find a Man, Blogger-style?

I just looked at my list of blog links to suddenly realize that their ALL MALE! Or, at least, they claim to be ;)

It looks like all I am attracted to are blogs written by guys. That's just silly. Granted, it's nice to know what's going on deep inside a guy's mind from day-to-day without having to make any commitments. I dunno why. It just is.

So, I tried looking for blogs written by females to add to my list and that's when I was reminded of why I didn't have any. Most of them are chatty and inane blogs about things that make me ask: WHO CARES? Don't you just want out?

TV programs, movies, office politics, going out, who said what when... Something else I noticed was that I'm able to find more anonymous blogs written by males that tell the truth about things and more female blogs that reveal their identity but are so full of one-dimentional prattle.

Well, I'm not exactly complaining. But that's how it is. If anyone can recommend blogs--written by women (not necessarily Jewish, per se) or men, for that matter--that post about meaningful, thought-provoking and earth-shattering matters, bevakashah feel free to recommend them to me.

Thank you, my ever faithful, albeit invisible (at this point) blog readers!

UPDATE: Yes, I did find several blogs written by women that I decided to link to; and I must admit that guy-bloggers have their share of stupid topics, as well.

I think that a big factor in Getting Out is forming a blogsphere that is conducive to that sort of thinking, in general. So, I'm putting all my links on RSS and see what comes up; if I feel that upcoming posts do not encourage Getting Out, they'll be dropped. That's that.

BTW, I'm still open to suggestions...

Sex

B"H

Nobody knows who I am (at least, I hope not), right? In fact, I haven't even figured out how to promote this blog and as a result nobody ever reads any of it, anyway. So, I can go ahead and admit all of my dirty shameful little secrets here, right?

Okay then, I'm going to tell the truth:

Sometimes I think there might be something wrong with me; because for whatever it's worth, there's nothing to confess. Goose egg. Zilcho. Isn't that a bit unusual?

But I feel like I'm normal, at least to myself. I guess I'm just "vanilla."

I'm not a prude, really; or maybe I am, and prudes have just been misunderstood this whole time. What I mean to say is that I have nothing against sex. I don't feel like it's dirty, nasty, immoral, wrong, etc. It's just that I have always had a difficult time understanding things that a LOT of other people seem to... well... respond to. I'm not offended by them. I just think they're kind of strange. Odd.

Don't get me wrong. When it comes to your generic naked people, that's not odd. They're just naked people, like those depicted by artistic works: paintings and sculptures such as Michelangelo's David or Venus de Milo. Sure bodies can be very beautiful, like just about any other living creature HaShem put into the world. Of course, the live human body houses a spark of HaShem--a G-d consciousness. That's what makes it holy, or "kadosh," and that leads into the whole concept of tzanuah.

With all modesty issues set aside for a moment, there are people who seem quite obsessed with non-tzniustic photography and voyeurism and all kinds of fascinating things. I mean, I'm fascinated that it gets people all worked up, or that it even holds people's attention at all. It seems to be a bizarre form of escape from reality and things can even get kind of... strange. I just don't "get it."

It has puzzled me for the longest time: Am I okay?

It's as if someone tells you a joke and everyone else laughs and you're embarassed because it doesn't seem to be funny at all. Even after they explain it, it makes sense that it should be funny on some level, but it still doesn't illicit so much as a chuckle. It's not offensive, not at all. Just not funny.

"Oh, you just don't have a sense of humor," they might say. Yes, it may seem that way; but little do they know you were laughing like a hyena about something else just the other day...

Ya dig? It's like that. Therefore, when it comes to most "sexy" things, I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm from a different planet than most everybody else.

If I may digress for a moment, there were times when I used to party and go places with girlfriends. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure why I ever went anywhere near a pick-up scene. But at any rate, it was way-back-when, before my baalat teshuvah days. Some of those guys were extremely (and I do mean oh-so-very) attractive and I got my share of pickup lines. I quickly learned how to spot-and-spurn them--in a playful way, of course.

It was puzzling to my friends and to the "regulars" at the clubs that we frequented. I just wanted to be out with my friends, rather than to be at home, bored all weekend. I really did have a good time, in my own way, as I was always a very social creature.

Sometimes, we'd go to an after-party at someone's house and my girlfriends would go off with guys to put some new notches in their lipstick cases. Meanwhile, I'd be in the living room sitting near some guy and we'd both be twiddling our thumbs. We'd start talking about things--sometimes even very interesting things, such as how Dante's Inferno was related to chess strategies. But whatever was "supposed to be" happening just wasn't happening. I had no interest.

After years of this sort of thing, I heard one-too-many unrelated people saying "you're not like most women," and "something about you is different"--though they knew full well that I still wasn't about to let them touch me and that they were free to go their merry way. I started to wonder if something was physically "wrong" with me (and to be honest, I still kinda wonder every now and again).

Much later, after I went BT, I learned something that helped me to understand that I really am perfectly normal. Different from most, maybe, but at least functionally healthy. Apparently, I'm just "wired" differently.

I had a Chinese philosophy teacher who once taught about how the soul leaves the body at the time of death. According to this ancient source (The Tibetan Book of the Dead, maybe?) the human body has several basic energy centers. To put it simplistically, the most basic, animal part is at the very bottom of the torso, the instinctive "gut" place is just above that, the emotional is just above that, intellectual is somewhere in the headspace, entering through the eyes, and finally there's the crown of the head.

The idea is that a person's soul enters and leaves the body from the area from which the person most related to the world during life. It's a sort of energetic "gateway" that's already open because there's been so much traffic, if you know what I mean. Everybody has one main gateway. Of course, we are not creatures of destiny. We are capable of contstructing new energetic highways and of redirecting the existing ones. But that's hard work and most of us are just too lazy for that.

Some of you may be asking "What does this have to do with sex?" If I lost you at this point, then I can't help you except to say that sexual energy is just energy. It can be anywhere in the body and fuel any part of the human process on any level of body/soul-reality. At least that's how I understand it.

When I learned this, it all suddenly made sense. Sex is, basically, a physical phenomenon; after all, we are animals. But we're souls, too--each one of us, so many layers and levels of soul. To take that basic, crude energy and to then refine it and to hold that space in a moment of relatedness... that is an art and a discipline. It takes "work,"--time, intimacy, patience, awareness, sensitivity, balance and (by default) a lot of love.

Now, this makes a lot of sense to me.

It's entirely possible that my soul somehow managed to come into this world through a spiritual gateway somewhere in the vicinity of my emotions and my mind. Arriving at this conclusion just seems kind of obvious, once I work my way backwards.

For example, if a man can give over some serious Torah--I absolutely swoon. Any heated and intense intellectual debate will make my cheeks flush and my eyes flash like razors. It definitely starts somewhere in my brain; but then if you add a moment of vulnerable intimacy, I just melt like butter and start to feel it everywhere.

Therefore, it just so happens that I'm a very sexual being, after all--holistically speaking, that is. Now, I just have to meet a "sexually holistic" yid.

Sure.

No prob.

"Jewish Music"... What is It?

B"H

All right. This is a Big Issue in many extreme orthodox Jewish circles.

What are the criteria that we should use when deciding on music to listen to? If music was and will again be part of services at the Holy Temple in Jerusalem (may it come speedily in our days), then why not explore the possibilities? With masses returning to Eretz Yisrael from "the four corners of the Earth" wouldn't it make sense that our music would become a little... uh... diverse?

There are those orthodox Jewish communities who behave as though klezmer is the most authentic and legitimate music there is. Now, don't get me wrong. I love, love, love, that "old time" Chasidish nigun. When sung in just the right way, some nigunim will bring me to tears every time. Yes, every time. In fact, on some level, I even enjoy those deep-seated emotions. On the other hand, I can understand when today's youth expresses a sense of suffocation and confinement at the "same 'ol same 'ol."

As beautiful or valuable as any type of music may be, sometimes we need to create distance from it in order to put it in perspective and to more fully gain the appreciation it deserves. This may be just part of the reason why much of today's orthodox youth is going "underground" with styles of music that diverge from the accepted norm. One Australian orthodox Jewish musician of the Kabbalah Underground Project claims that "'Being frustrated with the closed-off nature off my community, combined with the need to experience some of the great things out there in the wide world.'” is what led him to create new music (follow this link for the original article).

Music is powerful. The bad news is that as well-intentioned as we may be, music that is not created with a shomeir mitzvot consciousness may influence us to go off the derech in the worst of ways. The sad fact is that there is music out there that disrespects women, that uses harsh language, and that teaches hate. The good news is that in many cases, Jewish youth is drawing the best from what's out there to create something totally original: Jewish music that spreads G-d consciousness.

You have the (kinda old-school) rap artist, Remedy, who's songs deliver lessons in Jewish history to children of all faiths. Then there's one of my absolute favorites, Y-Love. He's up-and-coming and his lyrics are amazing and consciousness-lifting with polyglotic rhymes in English, Spanish, Hebrew, Amharic, Yiddish and maybe one other language (Aramaic?). He's an "in-your-face, no excuses, face reality and deal with it" kind of guy with the neshamah of a fearless warrior. We need more of that these days. And how could I forget the Moshav Band (apparently now known as "Moshav")? It's music inspired by Reb Shlomo Carlebach. Good stuff.

Finally, I have heaps of love for Matisyahu: the man who started this popular Jewish hip-hop craze. What a beautiful man... so sensitive, yet powerful--and what a talent! Many of today's Jewish hip-hop music artists are riding on the coattails of his success. He should be enjoying life; that's why it made me a little sad to see this recent video of him, courtesy of You Tube.

Note to Matisyahu, if your eyes should ever grace this blog: The greater the mission, the greater the obstacles in achieving it. Seek out a rav, get some serious guidance and in the meantime... Just hang in there and daven to HaShem from that place of pain. We're all confused!!!

And we will now return to our regularly scheduled progaramming...

Why am into all of this? A lot of reasons, actually. Not just because I'm a baalat teshuvah. Our grandparents' nigunim are all about survival--about bringing the past into the present. At times, they are haunting reminders of our painful past. Chas v'shalom that we should ever forget what we've been through during the past 2,000 some-odd years of galut. However, today's generation is making vibrant music--about celebration and hope--that will propel us forward into our blessed destiny.

I ask today's rabbinical authorities:

Rather than have Jewish youth go underground with their i-pods and cellphones, why don't you at least recognize the good in "non-traditional" orthodox Jewish music? The artists are shomeir Shabbat, and they create lyrics that are respectful to women, use responsible language, and deliver a message of our moving forward into the future as one nation--about diversity within unity. It may not be the most tzniustic, but it's not the worst either.

Yes, I would like to see more mechitzahs at concerts, too, along with less of all the other spiritually counter-productive elements that seem to tag along with the music scene. But considering all the really harmful stuff that's out there, the orthodox community may be better off "cutting its (perceived) losses." We look to our spiritual leaders for guidance when we feel listened to and valued and loved, unconditionally. Therefore, if you want to have a genuine impact, demonstrate some open-mindedness and work with us in our new creative expression as we look ahead to nationhood.